1600 Pennsylvania Ave NW
Washington, DC 20500
Dear People of the United States of America
Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown of the
economy, your Government has decided to implement a scheme to put
workers 50 years of age and older on early retirement. This scheme will
be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).
Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to the government to be eligible
for the SHAFT scheme (Special Help After Forced Termination).
Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW
program (Scheme Covering Retired Early Workers). A person may be RAPED
once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as the government deems
appropriate.
Only persons who have been RAPED can get AIDS (Additional Income for
Dependants & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel
Early Severance). Obviously, persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be
SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by the government.
Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on, will receive as much SHIT
(Special High Intensity Training) as possible. The government has always
prided itself in the amount of SHIT it gives out. Should you feel that
you do not receive enough SHIT, please bring this to the attention of
your Congressman. They have been trained to give you all the SHIT you
can handle.
Sincerely
President Barak Obama
